Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Suck it up

If there's one thing that drives me absolutely mental, it's when the vacuum cleaner gets turned on when I'm trying to watch tv. There I was, laid out on the couch, beer in one hand and bollocks in the other, wearing only a white string vest and a pair of sweaty yellowing y-fronts, just about to watch Nip/Tuck, when Linzi decides the vacuuming is getting done.

I tutted, sighed and rolled my eyes at her as she huffed and puffed before me on her hands and knees, trying to get the nozzle-thing under the couch as best she could while I'm lying on it. No way I was making it easy for her - I kept my legs where they were and let her work around them. That's what she gets for interrupting my telly time. While she worked, I gave her arse a bit of a slap and told her she was a fine ride altogether, but of course this got her all turned on and she asked if she could stop doing the vacuuming to give me a blowjob. "No chance," says I, "you've started so you'll finish. Don't worry though, if you get the rest of that vacuuming done and then bring me in a cup of tay, I might allow you to give me that BJ while I watch the rest of Nip/Tuck." Linzi was absolutely delighted with the generosity of my offer, and continued the vacuuming apace, eager to feast on my lad.

Okay, none of this is true. I fucking hate vacuuming though.

33 Comments:

Laurie blathered this crap:

I vacuum naked.

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride blathered this crap:

Like nature, I abhor a vacuum.

I wish that was mine but it's not. It's on a fridge magnet someone gave me.

Eddie Waring blathered this crap:

If you really want to get her turned on, drop some crisps on the bit she just did and tell her she missed a bit. Get's em foamin at the gash does that.

Cindy blathered this crap:

Eddie, are you available? I've been looking for a man like you...

Old Knudsen blathered this crap:

You had me at wearing only a white string vest and a pair of sweaty yellowing y-fronts

I bet this really does happen all the time, huh? huh? pressure Kav don't burst my bubble you're like my golden calf.

weemen are like vacuum cleaners, after a while they stop sucking.

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride blathered this crap:

"weemen are like vacuum cleaners, after a while they stop sucking."

And like vacuum cleaners this is often because they are not regularly maintained.

The Swearing Lady blathered this crap:

Jaysus, Kav. If you dressed up for her and everything, it's tragic that your story is untrue.

I'm going to weep salty tears of woe now, like those I imagine came out of your...

Actually, just forget I said anything.

lupa blathered this crap:

Too much laughing for a wednesday here, specially as the electrical repair man has just taken my dyson away owing to lack of suction!

Kieran blathered this crap:

Women, they take the bloody biscuit!
Biscuit munching fatties.
Unbelievable Kav, you're a better man than I.

Kav blathered this crap:

Laurie: Now I've been forced to picture that image...for shame! Excellent - I will need to suggest this to Linzi. We've got a lot of windows in our house though.

sam: I like that one. Remember, plagiarism is the sincerest form of flattery.

eddie: Very true. She also loves it when I take a shit on the living room rug.

cindy: Believe it or not, eddie is out in Cali too. I'm a muthafuckin matchmaking pimp, y'all. That'll be fahve dollahs.

old knudsen: Of course it's true. I just had to put the disclaimer in at the end so that the feministas would go easy on me.

sam: Eight years I've been servicing my lady, and I try to keep her in tip-top condition.

sweary: Weep it did; there were no stupendous sprays. And we'll leave it there, will we?

lupa: Welcome to you. Ha! What fortuitous timing. I ought to insert a joke about women and machinery here, but that would be in terrible taste.

kieran: I constantly berate Linzi as I'm sure her days consist of locking the kids in the hotpress while she lays on the couch in sexy lingerie eating chocolate-covered strawberries. There can be no other explanation for why the house is so tidy and my dinner ready when I arrive home.

Sassy Sundry blathered this crap:

Vacuuming does suck.

fatmammycat blathered this crap:
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Sid Trotter blathered this crap:

Kav, I had to laugh out loud at this post - guess you're not the misogynist, chauvenist, time warped eejit I took you for!

Kav blathered this crap:

sassy: It's a bastard, isn't it? That and ironing.

FMC: Deleted as requested. To tell you the truth, I had to restrain myself from typing "hoovering" every single time - I say that too!

sid: See, appearances can be deceptive.

Old Knudsen blathered this crap:

misogynist, chauvenist, time warped eejit

but he is a cunt.

Conan Drumm blathered this crap:

Be safe, put the condom over the hoover nozzle before you... you know!

Annie Rhiannon blathered this crap:

lolz

And nice little hidden Magnus Magnusson tribute there too.

Kav blathered this crap:

knudsen: A cunt, perhaps, but that makes you the reader of a cunt, and hence, a bigger cunt.

conan: That is sick. You're banned.

annie: Heh. Poor ould Magnus.

Dario Sanchez blathered this crap:

Vacuuming is quite relaxing ... you get lost in your thoughts ...

Kinda like UCD lectures only without the exams at the end ...

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