Monday, January 15, 2007

Sleeping booty

Blogorrah were recently talking about the dangers of the internet and the work hours wasted by employees. Quite timely, considering what happened to me at work yesterday.

I fell asleep, you see. Standing up.

It was just after lunch. I don't know about you, but I often get a near-overwhelming desire to have a post-lunch nap. Many's the occasion I've nodded off at the PC and woken up with a jerk and a small yelp, with a filament of drool connecting my lower lip to the lapels of my suit, like what happens after thousands of years when those stalactites and stalagmites join up to form I've perfected the "I meant to do that" face (also used by fuckin eejits who trip in public places), which I tend to use as I casually wipe the mess off my mouth and jacket.

I vaguely remember learning why eating makes you sleepy, something about all the oxygenated blood going to your stomach to digest your food with the result your brain gets deprived of it, but I kept nodding off during that lecture. Anyway, it doesn't explain why so many cunts in here seem brain dead all day long.

In an effort to save money (ie it's the middle of January, five weeks since I've been paid...roll on the 25th), I've taken to eating noodles these days. I had been eating soup, but that was costing me crazy money - 49p a tin. That's almost one US dollar a day. Then I discovered that you can get eight packs of noodles for a pound. Eight packs! That's eight lunches! For two dollars! I'm telling you, forget the children, noodles are the future.

After slobbering through the noodles and checking Bloglines, a wee after-lunch nap was in order. Settling back into my seat, I was just getting into it, letting the eyes get that comfortable, heavy way where you know you're going to get a decent kip, when I see Consultant Lady coming towards me.

She's been the bane of my life this week, this woman. To be fair to her, she's lovely, but she keeps asking fucking questions and interrupting my naps. Composing myself as she approaches, I use Alt + Tab* to bring up some work on my PC, and gaze studiously at it while stroking my chin.

She wants to find a particular document online, but her internet's been killed. Sure, she can hop on to my PC to have a look for it. I stand next to her, leaning against the wall watching her click onto Google, and praying she doesn't look into my history. I don't want work people knowing about my blog. Or yours, for that matter.

Fuck me, there's nothing more boring than watching someone else surf the internet. Particularly when it isn't porn they're looking for. Ah porn, what good times we've had together. You know what, this wall's fairly comfortable actually...





I jerk awake and I can already feel my face flushing. She's looking at me guardedly, as if unsure whether or not she should bite the hand that feeds her, even though she knows she's dealing with a complete fucking mental patient. What kind of a spa falls asleep up against a wall? If I had a feast of pints it'd be one thing...I clear my throat and note with relief that she's smiling. Whatever Consultant Lady's real thoughts about me are, she's obviously decided, hell, it's the second week of a three-month contract, I'd better keep my trap shut.

I make light of it and say something about being up all night with the kids, but the damage has been done.

I'm going to need to watch myself in here for the next while.

*Alt + Tab is a godsend in the office environment. If you don't already use the left hand thumb/index finger combo to switch between blogging and work, you must be some sort of club-wielding Neanderthal.


Gaijin Girl blathered this crap:

Alt + Tab has saved my life on more than one occasion, as has Ctrl z. can't live without them.

your workplace sounds just like mine, except people openly sleep at their desks here. it's a good sign as it proves to the group that you've been working very hard. my supervisor actually apologised to the guy next to me for waking him up to ask him to rewrite a document. it's a whole new world.

Anonymous blathered this crap:

We have a sick room on my floor that no one uses and I've gone in there for a power nap or two many times.

Sometimes you just need to.

Sassy Sundry blathered this crap:

Alt+tab saves me often. Way too often.

My problem is that I can also get fired for checking dirty content on the web. I don't go for porn, but sometimes Old Knudsen's posts come close. I always click on him with fear and trembling. Fear of being fired was why I decided to post clean for a bit.

Gaijin Girl, if falling asleep at one's desk is a good thing to do in Japan, I'm there.

The Swearing Lady blathered this crap:

Horses fall asleep standing up.

Are you trying to tell us something, Kav? Coz subliminal messages just don't work with me, me lad. LAD. Geddit? No?

I'll get me cardigan.

looby blathered this crap:

When I'm old, I'm going to have this semi-permanent crook in my left hand, and blokes are going to come up to me in the pub and say "Ah, the Alt-Tab Crook! Work in computers did you?"

What would be really good would be if there was some sort of laser sensor that could detect wives/girlfriends / bosses approaching your computer a second or two before you notice them and do the Alt+Tab. Sometimes my Alt-Tabbing just looks so bleeding obvious.

Kav blathered this crap:

gaijin girl: Somehow I don't think I'd get away with saying I was working too hard. What does Ctrl + Z do?

debbie: If I did that, I wouldn't wake up until it was time to go home.

sassy: I'm friendly with the lads who monitor internet usage in here. I'm hoping it stays that way, or I'll be out of a job before I can say "knudsen".

sweary: Heh, lad. Langer.

looby: Tell me about it. I've been red-faced on more than one occasion.

jali blathered this crap:

We do "lunch and learn" sessions where the reps from companies hoping to do business provide lunch and talk about their products. I'm great at the lunch part, but my brain just doesn't want to learn - I've fallen fast asleep twice - my coworkers had my back, but I'm skipping the session today - the big boss will be there and I don't want him to hear me snore.

Thanks for the Alt+Tab hint. I usually just start closing windows like crazy.

Kim Ayres blathered this crap:

Ctrl+Z = undo last action. It has saved my butt so often. Being self employed for a decade I've never had to learn about Alt+tab so that's a new one to me.

Old Knudsen blathered this crap:

I am yer doom people.

I really hope no one gets the sack for reading me, but if they do, tell me and I'll post about it hahaha. Reason for leaving last job: I was Knudsened.

ill man blathered this crap:

We have a specified internet time between 12 and 2pm, outwith which one is denied access to everything but the BBC (minus football stuff), so I don't really have to bother terribly about supervisers etc catching me on the net. Prior to the limiting of net time, then yes, Alt/Tab would have been handy, but I never really felt the need. I have eyes on the back of my head for that.

I have noticed in the last few weeks that certain blogs get blocked with some message about pornographic content popping up. If my memory serves, it's Fat Sparrow and sometimes Flying Rodent or Tampon Teabag. Most amusing really.

Gaijin Girl blathered this crap:

sassy - good one. come over and experience the insanity first hand!

kav - what kim said. of course there's always the mouse to undo stuff, but that, er, takes too long.

sounds like you'd fit right in here. 'japanese efficiency' is an oxymoron. it's a myth and i am baffled how this society even functions. tasks that would take 5 mins to do at home take an indiscriminate amount of time as various conferences must be had about the most mundane and obvious aspects of them. omg, don't get me started...

duckie blathered this crap:

she must die Kav. You know it's gone to far. She's already caught you napping. What's next?

Steph blathered this crap:

Oh to be able to sleep standing up. Just think of the kip time you could rack up. In the shower, in the bank queue, in the check out queue, waiting for the bus.......Kav, my esteem for you has gone through the roof. You're amazing!!

Fat Sparrow blathered this crap:

Kav, you need a wall to lean on when you fall asleep? Amateur.

I had P.E. 1st period, and used to fall asleep standing up on our assigned numbers on the asphalt in front of the gym.

I used to take naps at work at lunchtime. Lots of people did. They had couches just for that. If you overslept, you just stayed after a bit later. It was brilliant.

Kav blathered this crap:

jali: No problem. I'm sure you'll find it indispensable.

kim: Excellent. I've already made use of that. So much easier than the moose.

oul knudsen: That should be added to the urban dictionary.

ill man: No time to respond, I'm too busy searching those blogs for porn.

gaijin girl: I'm genuinely surprised to hear that. I truly believed that the Japanese were a super-efficient people who got everything done in jig-time.
Jig-time being a very short time.

duckie: Well, she hasn't caught me jerking off at my desk yet. If she does, then I'll kill her.

steph: Don't, you'll make me even more cocky and arrogant than I already am.

Slim Pigeon: Great story. Unfortunately, I'm not nimble enough to maintain my balance without having something to lean against.

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