Monday, January 22, 2007

Pulp Friction


My friend Paul McBeef was over this weekend, so I gave him the tour of Glasgow in my dirty oul Megane. We were gripped by an odd compulsion to wear black suits with thin black ties as we cruised slowly through the West End of Glasgae, so we did. Here's a snippet of our chat:

Paul: "Okay so, tell me again about the NHS?"

Me: "What you want to know?"

"Well, treatment is free here, right?"

"Yeah, it's free, but it ain't a hundred percent free. You've gotta pay for anything that's considered non-essential, like those cock implants you say you need so badly."

"So who's paying?"

"It breaks down like this: If you work, you pay national insurance, which contributes to the upkeep of the NHS and ensures healthcare for all. Sure, there are waiting lists, and sponging cunts who fuck the system, but an attempt is made to look after all the UK's citizens, regardless of status. Many people in the UK don't appreciate that they get so much for free. When you consider you have to pay forty Euro to allow a sick child just to see a doctor back home, it makes you think."

"Yeah, that did it, man - I'm movin', I'm fuckin' movin', that's all there is to it."

"You'll dig it the most. But you know what the funniest thing about Scotland is?"

"What?"

"It's the little differences. A lotta the same shit we got at home, they got here, but here it's just a little different."

"Examples?"

"Well, in Scotland, you can buy Buckfast in the cinema. And I ain't talkin' about in no paper cup neither, I'm talkin' about a glass bottle of B. In Glasgow, you can buy Buckfast in McDonald's. Also, you know what they eat after the pub here in Scotland?"

"They don't have Supermacs?"

"No man, they put an embargo on Pat McDonagh-related franchises, they wouldn't know what the fuck a Supermacs is over here."

"Jaysis. So what do they eat after a feed of pints?"

"Deep fried pizza."

"Deep fried pizza, the sick cunts. What do they put on it?"

"Salt and vinegar. They also eat deep-fried black pudding in batter."

"The horrible cunts. Do they deep fry their bacon and cabbage too?"

"I dunno, I don't eat cabbage. But you know what they put on their sausages in Scotland instead of ketchup?"

"What?"

"Brown sauce."

"Goddamn!"

"I'm tellin' you man, I've seen 'em do it. And I don't mean a little bit on the side of the plate, they fuckin' drown 'em in that shite."

"Uuccch!"

15 Comments:

Sid Trotter blathered this crap:

You should what they do to the goats up in Glasgae - f***ing sick

The Hangar Queen blathered this crap:

Class Kav....pure class....
but I have a question,Do I look like a bitch?

AMS blathered this crap:

hmmmm bellys a rumblin'

AMS blathered this crap:

hmmmm bellys a rumblin'

jali blathered this crap:

I have to go and google Buckfast, Supermacs, deep fried pizza, black pudding and brown sauce.

I need to take ESL classes to hang out here.

The Swearing Lady blathered this crap:

Brown sauce on saussies sounds fucking lovely.

whyioughtta blathered this crap:

I'm with Jali...I don't know what the hell any of those food items are, just that none of 'em sound edible! Well, except "deep fried pizza"--I understand each word individually, but I'm willing myself never to understand them all stuck together like that.

Some people here eat deep fried cheese. Disgusting. The sphincter clamps just thinking about it.

Although, we in Canada eat poutine, which is french fries drowned in gravy and topped with white cheese curds...mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmlicious.

Eolaí gan Fhéile blathered this crap:

The food of little differences wouldn't be what educated you about the NHS by any chance?

Kav blathered this crap:

devin: Certainly not Ms Wallace.

Anne-Marie: What's happening with you? Do explain.

jali: Yeah, it's kind of an esoteric post, this one.

Sweary: Linzi and I constantly clash over the brown sauce/ketchup debate. I'm mostly a ketchup lad.

whyioughtta: Now that sounds horrendous...I hate slimy foods. I'm anal about sauces - have to have them on the side. If my chips go soggy, they're ruined and inedible.

eolaí: Sorry sir, you've lost me with this comment. But I am a bit thick, so I wouldn't worry. However, if you do stop back again, tell me what you're going on about. If you mean I know fuck all about the NHS, you're right. All I know is I don't have to pay a fortune for getting sick over here. And I can get those cock implants. Wha...did I say that out loud?

Old Knudsen blathered this crap:

Only the brave and the truely self destructive should eat Scottish food or go to the NHS for that matter they wanted to euthanize me the cunts.

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride blathered this crap:

But what of the Scotch egg? - if that isn't a breaded arterial clot just waiting to shoot straight to your heart muscles then I'll eat a mutton pie. Don't count on my word of honour here because I'll never ever eat a mutton pie, ever. I'd sooner eat a punk-pie: Lorne (square) sausage, beans, mashed potatoes and cheese on top. I pray to God it is only my brother who's eating that mess because I'd never heard of it before his wife told me about it.

The best Scottish food is herring fried in oatmeal and tatties. It's the first thing I eat whenever I get home.

We're moving up on haggis day too. 25th, isn't it?

Kav blathered this crap:

old knudsen: Are you sure they didn't say "circumcise"?

sam: God that sounds like heart attack central...delicious. Yeah, Burn's day is on Thursday. I've been getting some advice from Dr Maroon on how to proceed.

I love haggis.

Sassy Sundry blathered this crap:

Omph. Deep-fried pizza. That gave me heartburn just thinking about it.

Deep-fried Mars Bars, though. Little nugget of heaven.

justin barker blathered this crap:

very nice

Kav blathered this crap:

sassy: Never tried them, but again they're something of a Scottish institution...I'll have to give them a go.

justin: cheers.