Friday, January 19, 2007

I think I'll stop for a while

You know that blogging's become too large a force in your life when you consider manipulating real-life situations to make them more entertaining for your next blog post.

I was lying there this morning, willing myself to get up, when next to me, Linzi began to shriek like a murdered knacker's widow. I think it might've been the first real shriek I've ever heard - fraught with genuine terror, and frightening enough in the early-morning dark to make my body prickle with goosebumps and my heart pound like a pornstar. I put my arms around her as she woke, comforting her as she explained what the nightmare had been about.

Her dream was one of those ones that starts seeming fairly normal and realistic - in it, Jack had woken up and L could hear him crying over the baby monitor. We were laying in bed, bantering about whose turn it was to get him, like we often do, when suddenly we heard a woman singing through the monitor. The tune was Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, but Linzi said the words were all garbled and gibberished, like a Japanese horror fillum. She leapt out of bed (in the dream), and burst into Jack's room to see a woman in a pink woolly jumper leaning over Jack's cot, singing to him. She tackled her, and that's when she shrieked and woke. Disturbing.

You've seen it in dozens of mediocre spooky films. The heroine wakes up after having had a terrible nightmare, and what just happened in her dream happens again, but this time it's real!

This is why we both jumped a little when Jack really did start crying through the monitor. Linzi went downstairs to get his bottle, reaching around doors to turn on lights before she entered any room. She was still understandably freaked out.

Meanwhile, I was upstairs, wondering how I could make this into an amusing blog story. Grinning in the lamplight, my eureka moment came when I remembered Linzi had a pink jumper. What I could do is get the pink jumper, hold it against my chest (too small to wear), go into Jack's room and lean over his cot, wait for Linzi to come in, and then start singing Twinkle Twinkle. Hahahaha! Whoooooo! What a great fright she'd get! It'd be brilliant, a hilarious story to tell my readers.

Then I got a hold of myself, and remembered she's my wife, and she's in a state of pyjama-wetting terror. She's not a puppet to be manipulated for the entertainment of virtual strangers.

I think I need to give this blogging thing a rest for a while. If I don't, before you know it I'll be taking requests from you folks for hilarious pranks to pull on my loved ones, and we can't be having that lads.

Have a good weekend.


Old Knudsen blathered this crap:

ya soft shite, laughs last a life time, wives come and go.

AMS blathered this crap:

and sure while you're at it nothing says "I love you" better than a belt across the face

Kav blathered this crap:

old knudsen: True, but I kind of like the one I've got at the moment.

ams: I usually just hop her head off the wall.

Stop, that's terrible.

Kav blathered this crap:

Just wait until you start believing that you're responding to peer pressure from 1 individual who is posing as 32 separate bloggers to fuck with your head.

Kim Ayres blathered this crap:

Sorry, the above comment was mine. Then I felt guilty.

Kav blathered this crap:

Hah! Brilliant. Good thing you told me kim - that would've had me clicking all day.

Kieran blathered this crap:

I always thought you were too good for blogging.
I had you marked down for criminal infamy or something more productive.
Go to it, and may the lord chief justice protect you.

The Swearing Lady blathered this crap:

For fuck's sake, Kav. What a let down you are when you get sentimental!

Gaijin Girl blathered this crap:

go with yer gut, wherever it takes you.

jali blathered this crap:

Repeat of part of yesterday's comment: Poor Linzi.

Eolaí gan Fhéile blathered this crap:

I'm still stuck on the logistics of holding something to your chest while leaning over. Are you sure you couldn't have squeezed it on, however ridiculous it may have looked?

Mind you I am grateful you spared me the collective guilt we may have felt had you gone through with it. I'm already feeling rather guilty today and I've yet to put my pants on.

Kav blathered this crap:

kieran: My blogging days are numbered. My grandad's boat needs to be done, but more on that later.

sweary: You have no idea how much I wanted to do it, but the poor girl was awful upset.

gaijin girl: I definitely wouldn't want to leave it behind me. It's what helps me eat food!

jali: Heh, I'm not coming across as a very good husband these days.

eolaí: I was having trouble with that myself. I'd have probably just draped it over the shoulders, college preppy style.

You're a great man for the one-liners. I'm going to have to steal that one.

Eddie Waring blathered this crap:

You should have done it mate. You would both be laughing about it now. I would have worn the pink sweater, despite it's size. Something really wrong about men wearing ill fitting ladies pink sweaters.

Steph blathered this crap:

Great way to end up with a kick in the nuts and your sorry arse DIVORCED!
Ya twat!

Desirea Madison blathered this crap:

You're a smart man. You know when a prank will not go over well.

fatmammycat blathered this crap:

You should have hidden in the wardrobe and leaped out at her screaming Rarrrhhrhrhhh!
Oh what larks!

Dario Sanchez blathered this crap:

I tried recreating that scene from the Snack ad where the guy jumps out of a cupboard and frightens the lassie as she goes to steal a Snack.

I think my left testicle is somewhere between my kidneys and my liver now.

Sassy Sundry blathered this crap:

Come back to the dark side, young Kav.

Marika blathered this crap:

"She's not a puppet to be manipulated for the entertainment of virtual strangers."

Are you SURE?

Bock the Robber blathered this crap:

Ah, for fucksake, look after the kid and the missus whatever else you do.

It's not like these blogger cunts will pay your mortgage or suck your dick. They're just a crowd of e-people.

JC Skinner blathered this crap:

Bock's right, as per usual. All things in perspective. Go out, smell the coffee, drink the flowers, Get a little real life perspective into ya, Kav.
And come back or not as and when it suits ya.

Kav blathered this crap:

eddie: We'd be laughing now, but I'd be one bollock down, and I kind of like my nutsack the way it is.

steph: heh, well, that's partly why I didn't do it. Partly.

desirea: There was definitely too much tension in the air for it to have worked.

fmc: I did that once and got a stiletto to the temple for my trouble.

dario: I believe it. Hell hath no fury and all that.

sassy: I never left...

marika: Well, what are your suggestions? I'll see what I can do.

bock: True, true. I think I made the right decision.

jc: Wise words sir. I've had two cups of flowers already this morning.

I feel like I should point out that I was being a wee bit tongue in cheek with this post. I'm not giving up, and blogging hasn't actually taken over my life. Yet.

Anonymous blathered this crap:

Thanks :)
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