Monday, January 08, 2007

I eat children*...

...and ham and chocolate and crisps and cream and Mars Bar cake and whatever happens to be available. I eat until I feel sick, usually. There's a reason for this, hilarious and terrible, stemming from my childhood and involving a strict weekly allocation of chocolate for me and my sisters, but I won't go into it just now.

Seven years Linzi and I have been together, and yet she's continually surprised when she goes to get some food and finds I've eaten it all.

"Kav, where's the food gone?" she asks me.

"The food?" I chuckle, "Why, I've eaten it, of course!"

"All of it?" she demands, sounding exasperated.

"Uh, yeah" I respond, managing to sound both bewildered by her confusion and slightly incredulous that she would expect anything else from me. "Food's there to be eaten you know. I think there's some of those frozen meat-based products left, though. And a bit of bread."

"Kav, I know food's there to be eaten. And I know what's left. I checked."

Bollocks. Short, abrupt sentences, their conciseness emphasising her thinly-disguised rage. Here we go.

"There's a problem though, is there not?"

"Dunno, my love. Is there?"

"Yes, you fucking gluttonous beast. It's the 8th of January. We have no money. Our food was meant to last until the end of January. Now-"

- a pause while she hits me, thumping out her syllables on my defenceless arm.

"-now, all we have left is fucking 11% beef meat-based products and fucking bread!"

"We have a vast array of condiments though! Linzi, seriously, you know the only way I can control my eating habits is by there being no food in the house."

"Jesus, condiments. We'll just have sweet chilli sauce on toast for the rest of the month, will we? What about the rest of us?! We like to eat too! You have children!"

I bet she'd be really annoyed if she knew I was considering the deliciousness (or lack of) of sweet chilli-covered toast. Better stick to the key issue.

"It's for the greater good. The more I eat now, the less I'll have to eat later in the month, thereby speeding my intended weight loss."

"Meanwhile your wife and children starve."

"Go 'way outta that. I know you've got a stash somewhere for just such a situation arising."

I could post the rest of this conversation, but what would be the point? As is already obvious, I, using superior tactical reasoning and logical assertion, was the outright winner of this argument.

I swear, I'm not typing this from an internet café, and I won't be sleeping in the car tonight.

I don't know what the big deal is. The kids were getting a little plump for my liking anyway.

*don't worry, I only eat orphans. They won't be missed.


fyrchk blathered this crap:


You constantly crack me up.

I'm imagining Linzi teaching the kids to say, "Can I have some more porridge sir?"

jali blathered this crap:

If you didn't already have my vote in the "best blog in your local area", you'ld have it now based on this post.

I can imagine you impatiently waiting for the microwave to heat up your third lasagna, while wolfing down ice cream pops, and letting your belt out another notch so that the b-b-q crisps you've having for dessert will fit. (Notice the use of "crisps instead of "chips" - I don't read Maeve Binchy and the Pilchers for nothing, dude)

good stuff!

The Swearing Lady blathered this crap:

Jali's got it, la. Eat Maeve Binchy. There's more than enough to go 'round, she'll keep ye going til at least August.

Pinkie blathered this crap:

surely there's a brussel sprout or two hanging around to tide the kids over.... ?

Jaysus - you'll have us all wanting to mail you over some steak and kidney pies soon.

Sassy Sundry blathered this crap:

Orphans with chili sauce. Tasty.

And Fyrchk beat me to it. I was going quote Oliver.

The Hangar Queen blathered this crap:

"How can ye have any puddin'if ye don't eatch yeer meat-based product"
Fifty quid in butter vouchers are on the way

Kav blathered this crap:

fyrchk: Come to think of it, we've got porridge in the cupboard as well. I don't know what she's getting so worked up about.

jali: That's not far from the truth. It's amazing I'm not three hundred stone. I must have worms or something.

sweary: I'm trying to cut down on the oul mate though. Though the thought of a bit of succulent Binchy thigh is giving me hunger fangs right now. Yes, that's right, fangs.

pinkeye: I hate steak and kidney pies, but you can lob me over a few bags of Lay's if you like.

sassy: Chilli sauce is good on most everything. Yes'm, mmm-hmmm, dat's raht.

devin: Spakeing of buther, I've eaten almost a pound of it in the past few days in those Mars Bar cakes...I am one fatass motherfucker right now.

Summer blathered this crap:

Absolutely the best! This is a post that everyone can relate to. As my husband also does this, I was hoping that the end of the story was going to have the solution to the problem. I guess I'll just have to continue to hide things a la Linzi.

Old Knudsen blathered this crap:

Weemen are strange creatures,even with their warlike ways its always the men that have to go into battle. Eat Kav eat, yer manhood depends on it, do it for us, do it for yer children, oh and do it so yer wife knocks 7 shades of shite out of you, now that would be a post.

Rambling Man blathered this crap:

i'm reminded of the add where the two blokes stare disparingly into an almost empty fridge complete with some eggs and a mouldy bag of spinach and manage to feed the 5 thousand with said ingredients ... chilli sauce covered toast - dont knock it till you've tried it ! and brown sauce on toast heated in a microwave for 30 seconds is great - i should stop talking now ...

Mairéad blathered this crap:

Thanks for asking, Kav. Lovely surprise, and it means a lot to me.
No, haven't thrown in the towel, not yet, just feeling a bit low. I have regrets, like yourself, on the anonymity front. I regret sending my blog address to a few people, and feel restricted as a result in what I can say. I'll post soon. Thanks again :-)

Kav blathered this crap:

summer: There is no solution except not to buy any food. I'm prefectly happy to live on toast when there's nothing else available, but if there's food, I'm screwed.

old k: She's managed to kick four shades of faeces out of me thus far. Mmm....sticky.

rambling man: By the end of the month, that will not be far from reality, methinks.

mairéad: I feel your pain. Ah well, just remember the old adage: fuck them.

Mairéad blathered this crap:

Big smile.

Mairéad blathered this crap:

Big smile.