Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Happy New...meh

First things first. Thanks a feckin million to Devin for being unbelievably generous - true to her word, I received my first ever Christmas present from a virtual stranger - Stadium Arcadium by the Chili Peppers. I will indeed play it loud and will remember you when I do so. Thankee ma'am. 2007's going to kick ass for you.

You may note in the above pic that I got another couple of other CDs (welcome to 2005, Kav, yay). If you look closely you'll see a fairly innocuous-looking object that has already changed my life for the better. Yes, my wife only went and got me a motherfucking MP Thrizzle Plizzle, muhfuckas! Again, welcome to 2005, Kav. This thing is fucking brilliant. I've already got all three of the above albums on it and there's still room for hundreds more...I'm like a child who's just discovered the joys of the crack pipe. I'm looking forward to going back to work just so I can ride on the train and listen to loud music. In a small way, this little device helps me be me, rather than daddy or husband.

Anyway, happy new year or whatever. New year's eve wasn't shit, and you know why? Because we chose to share it with a couple of close friends and an assortment of alcoholic beverages, enjoyed in the comfort of our own home while the wind and rain battered the fuckin eejits standing around outside trying to conjure up some sort of spirit of togetherness or whatever the fuck the reason for everyone congregating at new year is. If you were there....sorry, but what the fuck were you up to? That storm had been forecast for days, like.

It's nearly always shit though, isn't it? Almost every new year I've had in a pub or a club, with their fucking extortionate entry fees and pushy queues and drunken gobshites who can barely stand by the time midnight rolls around...every single new year, you're obligated to do this simply because every other cunt is doing it, and it ends up being shit. That's why for the past few we've rung it in at home, except for ought-three when we rang it in in New York in a glass-walled restaurant looking out at Brooklyn Bridge with free drink for the entire night and nought for company but the four of us and a dash of the joy and exuberance that comes from being young and unencumbered by kids.

Speaking of kids, mine are fucking amazing:

Catching up on your blogs (you lot didn't slow down for the holidays, did you? Fuck me, it's taken me hours to read everything I missed...I'm dreading having to comment.), I've noticed a lot of you have been tagged to write "5 things nobody knows about me". Pah. Look at me laughing at you, my face full of scorn and derision. You bunch of lazy cunts, five? I've got 101 sitting here. Come on, be a man, or a girl, if that's your thing. If you're only telling me five things, you may as well not fucking bother.

Christmas was good. Aside from getting sick on Christmas Day and spending the rest of Christmas week shivering, wracked with pain, it was pretty damn good. Because I was sick, I couldn't eat as much as I'd intended; I was so sick, I couldn't even bring myself to have a wank. As you probably know, I am a horny bastard, and it pained me immensely to not have the energy or inclination for sexual activity. It always happens to me - as soon as I have some time off to relax, the old immune system decides to fuck off on its own wee mutinous holiday, and everything I've been resisting in the drudgery of daily life decides to take me roughly from behind. Without lube.

I'm better now though.

I came this close to deleting the blog around Christmas Eve. What? No, this close. Can you not see me holding my thumb and forefinger millimeters apart? Alas, it wasn't a tear-filled scene where my finger hovered over the delete button as my blogging life flashed before my eyes - if only real life could be so melodramatic. No, it was more of a sober reflection (then, later, it became a drunken reflection) on the choices I've made in the six months I've been writing this horseshit. Long story short: if I could go back and start all over, I'd completely anonymise myself. I think I've been naive to reveal who I am. When people know who you are, there can be consequences in everything you write.

But fuck it. Bed made, I'm fairly comfortable lying in it now. If you don't like it, please do continue to feck off.

Happy new year to you. And especially to Old Knudsen and The Swearing Lady, who know why.


Summer blathered this crap:

I would have been very sad if you had actually deleted. A lot of my fav bloggers deleted over the holidays and I cried. Well, maybe not cried but, I was sad.

I'm sorry that you were sick but, I'm glad you got what you really wanted.

I also like the absolute shit you write about. I think it's interesting.

The Swearing Lady blathered this crap:

Sick on Christmas Day, were you? Self inflicted, was it?


AMS blathered this crap:

Your kids are indeed beautiful. I felt an ould twinge at the ovaries for all of 2 seconds there, no wait, maybe it was just indigestion.

happy new year!

Anonymous blathered this crap:

You're kids are absolutely beautiful.

If you deleted your blog, I would have cried. Seriously.

jali blathered this crap:

NEVER delete this blog.

We need a little Kav (and Linzie (my spelling sucks - sorry) and the kids) in our lives.

Beautiful babies.

Oh - stop being a big braggart about the 101 things.

Sassy Sundry blathered this crap:

Glad you're back. The party I went to was so good, I'm still having a hard time with the whole time-space thing.

Enjoy your MP Thizzle. They are like crack pipes, aren't they?

Melissa blathered this crap:

Very pleased you didn't delete. I realized after the fact that since my blog was not anonymous, I could hardly be entirely free with what I wrote. Still, the main point was just to get writing some, so in that sense it's worked out.

Melissa blathered this crap:

P.S. We got the Stadium Arcadium disc recently and haven't run across a part I didn't like yet. Enjoy!

Cindy blathered this crap:

Those kids are way to cute to be yours.

Kieran blathered this crap:

You've come back even fitter and stronger this year. You're unstoppable. I can't imagine how powerful you'll be when you get to 2006.

Gaijin Girl blathered this crap:

happy new year to you, kav. good to see you back.
i had the same qualms as i used to have pics on my blog. bout six months in i decided to do it anonymously (kinda, my family still read it) so i deleted incriminating/identifying stuff. now i just need to get the family to stop reading and i can write all my dark and dirty secrets. er, and then find some time to make some up.

the kiddies look like angels.

duckie blathered this crap:

I can believe you didn't get an iPod ya wanker. Californication my ass. Oops! I mean "my arse."

Eolaí gan Fhéile blathered this crap:

I thought you were anonymized. Dang.

whyioughtta blathered this crap:

Kav, you made the right choice not to atomize your blog. See, you being non-anonymized, we know who you we'd hunt you down...and we'd strap you to a desk...and we'd make you write all day and all night...and if it wasn't "Kav" enough, we'd do awful things to yeh..wonderful, awful things...

Thank God that doesn't need to happen now. Ball's in your court, though.

Happy New Year!

Pinkie blathered this crap:


I saw ... er SEE you had a good Christmas :)

The Hangar Queen blathered this crap:

As FMC would say "Huzzah!" It was the merest of trifles sir and you are most welcome.

Steph blathered this crap:

Oh eerrr! I know the feeling about the deleting. I've considered it a THOUSAND times since my accident.
Still, lots of hard work (hahaha) went into it and you'd be sorry later, oh so you would.

Glad you got through it.

Old Knudsen blathered this crap:

What did I miss something again? I've tried deleting all yer blogs but yous won't let me in. I did the 5 things and the 101 in which I only got up to elevenity seven now everyone knows everything about me except no one reads me cos they are all cunts, my next post will be 5 things I woke up and found inside my body, yes including footeater.

Kim Ayres blathered this crap:

101 things, real identity, hogmanay at home. Christ, Kav, you're turning into me.

Got a new Blunt Cogs script yet?

Kav blathered this crap:

summer: Thanks - what is the story with everyone deleting? Maybe it's the time of year...

sweary: Believe it or not, it wasn't even a hangover, it was that shitting flu/spew combo that tons of people have been hit by recently. I'll let you off, seeing as it's you.

anne-marie: Heh, don't worry, they do that even to me, and I'm pretty sure I don't have ovaries.

debbie: That they are. Don't ever waste your tears on me, deb. I make enough people cry near me - I couldn't cope with the guilt of transatlantic weeping.

jali: Well, they did take me almost three thousand years to write.

sassy: Yeah, they kick ass. However, Im realising why my one was from the cheaper end of the market...the battery hardly lasts long enough to play one album!

melissa: Yeah, I know what you mean. Sometimes I regret not having that freedom anymore though.

cindy: You know, I think that myself sometimes...

kieran: With the awesome power of my MP3 player, I will have taken over the world by the end of 2005. I guarantee it.

gaijin girl: Same to you ma'am. Christ I don't think I'd like my family to read's far too personal. You're braver than I.

duckie: Hello? Do you really think we've got the money for a fucking iPod? What you're seeing above is only the finest Asda (a branch of the Wal-Mart family - yes, they really advertise like that) product - in other words, about a quarter of the cost of even the cheapest Shuffle. Come back to me when you can give me a free iPod. I'm aiming to corner the market in blogging to get free stuff, having started with Devin and that CD.

Eolai: Alas no. That avatar is really me, though my head has been reattached using complex surgery and a spoon.

whyioughtta: Wonderful things you say? Do elaborate.

pinkeye: Ah you do make me laugh. And that isn't easy. Bless.

Devin: You're too kind. Can I borrow fifty quid for the weekend?

steph: Great to see you up and about, as it were. I'm glad too, but am even more glad that you didn't delete. You have a readership who'd come baying for thine head if you did.

old knudsen: I'm going to check for that one. I am so sick of waking up to find foot eater's arm elbow-deep in my rectum while he giggles inanely.

kim: Oh God are you trying to turn me suicidal as well? Heh.

fatmammycat blathered this crap:

My god those children are beautiful.
I do wish people would stop posting photos of their beautiful children, my overies can't take all the rattling.

Annie Rhiannon blathered this crap:

Kav, I'm all for non-anonomymynity! Well done you.

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