Tuesday, November 07, 2006

All of the other reindeer: Cunts

Erin's learning Christmas songs these days. You might think I'd be angry and spewing vitriol about how it's only November and already the Christmas songs have started, but I'm not. She's only going to have a few short years where Christmas is magical before it's ruined by some little snotnosed bucktoothed bastard at school. Seeing her happy in her innocence reminds me that it can be good, and not just a shallow exercise in present exchange, and the subsequent, inevitable comparisons and bitching about stingy gift-givers: "Oh, I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but..."

I never buy gifts for anyone beyond my immediate family. (If they're lucky.) I can't be arsed with all that keeping up with the Joneses shite. So, as I was saying, it fills me with cheer to see Erin's excitement - this is the first Christmas where she actually knows what's going on with Santa Claus and all that. It's going to be great.

One thing though, about the most wonderful time of the year: the other reindeer were a right shower of cunts, and there's no two ways about it. They represent every popular clique, every exclusionist bunch of wankers I've ever had the misfortune to have had contact with. Observe:

Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer had a very shiny nose, and if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows (if you were a cruel fucking prick). All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names; they never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games (because they made fun of an animal whose self-esteem was crippled by taunts about his ugliness).

The other reindeer were nothing but a bunch of fucking arseholes who thought they were too cool for Rudolph. But then, everything changes, and I quote:

Then, one foggy Christmas eve, Santa came to say: "Rudolph, with your nose so bright, you would make an ideal candidate for guiding my sleigh this evening". This, it seems, was sufficient cause to make the other reindeer fall in love with Rudolph; some, in fact, shouted out with glee that Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer would go down in history.

Honestly, there hasn't been a worse cautionary tale for children since Hans Christian Andersen wrote The Ugly Duckling. While Hans focused on how being ugly is shit and surface beauty is all that matters, Rudolph's theme insinuates that popularity will somehow cure one of all the psychological trauma incurred by years of abuse. Surely Rudolph wasn't so thick as to believe the other reindeer suddenly loved him because Santa singled him out to be their leader? If anything, that would make them hate him even more, the shallow heartless bastids.

What kind of message is this to give kids? Let's face it, with people like that whited sepulchre Ted Haggard around, our kids are confused enough about right and wrong. There's enough hypocrisy for them to contend with without it being drummed into them in song.

With this in mind, I've updated the lyrics to Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. This is what we'll be singing in the Kavanagh household this year:

Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose
and if you ever saw it
you'd swear that he'd been snorting blow.

All of the other reindeer
used to try and cadge his gear
they never paid poor Rudolph
or even bought the lad a beer.

Then one foggy Christmas eve
equipped with grenades and an M16
Rudolph with his nose so bright
blew those cunting deers to shite.

Then how big Rudolph shouted
on his ruthless killing spree
"I'm Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer
and nobody should fuck with me."

Attention Christmas lovers: this post was a joke, tosser. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and his fellow sleighmates don't actually bother me at all. Fucking hell.


Debbie blathered this crap:

Oh my god. I never thought of it that way, but you're totally right.

Old Knudsen blathered this crap:

Those reindeers are a fickle bunch, just as well that after santa died of a heart attack they were sold for dog food, thats what I tell the kids, a good lesson for them all.

Cindy-Lou blathered this crap:

Well, yeah, we've all been aware of the "message" in the Rudolph story. But who looks to holiday music or christian evangelists for moral guidance anyway? Retards, that's who.

Kav blathered this crap:

Cindy-Lou: True, but I needed a backstory to present my new version of the song.

Fat Sparrow blathered this crap:

Christ in a cup. Guess what the Spouse Sparrow will be singing, come Christmas?

And you do know that the whole Rudolph thing was created just to drum up business for a department store, right? That's the true meaning of Christmas.

Hmmm, Ted Haggard. Thank God the Fledgling Sparrow is older now. I remember the whole Bill Clinton thing, and having to explain oral sex to a 6-year-old. I suppose I can adapt my Clinton speech to Haggard. "Taking it up the ass from men: Good. Lying about it: Bad."

Ah, I've still got it.

Kav blathered this crap:

You're alive! Thank God.

Fat Sparrow blathered this crap:

Well, that's debatable at this point. At least if the stuff I'm writing sucks, I can blame it on the fever, ha.

Minton Mckarkquey blathered this crap:

Yep. They had it coming when he ripped off their antlers with chainsaws.

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