Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Fatness Assessment

I spent half an hour last week with various probes, electrodes and such attached to sensitive areas of my body. I'm not usually into that kinky shit, but it was free, and I can't turn down an offer like that.

See, my work gym was doing free fitness assessments, and I got my results yesterday. Apart from my BMI saying I'm obese, I'm not doing too badly.

However, there's far too much use of euphemism in the report. I'll tell you what they said, and what they really meant:

Body Fat %

Your body fat: 18.5%
Acceptable range: 13-18%

Your weight: 86kg/190lb
Target weight: 83kg/183lb

They said: Your body fat percentage is greater than it should be for someone of your age and sex. An excess of body fat can increase the risk of heart disease, high blood pressure, diabetes, joint problems and other medical conditions. KEEP YOUR WEIGHT IN CHECK!

Translation: Watch out, fatty. You may only be 7lb overweight, but at the rate you're going, you'll be dead before you get to 40. You don't have to eat the entire packet of everything as soon as you open it. Remember, what you see as cuddly, others see as gut-churningly offputting.

Body Mass Index

BMI: 28.08
Rating: Grade 1

Normal: 20-24
Grade 1: 25-29

They said: BMI does not take into account muscle mass, and if you have been active for most of your life, may not represent an accurate assessment of your body composition.

Translation: Don't worry, chubigans. The fact that you were once fairly athletic is standing you in good stead as you approach middle age. You're still a fat fucker though, and it's obvious that once those Jaffa Cakes are opened, they won't see another sunrise.

Blood Pressure

Systolic: 146mmHg
Diastolic: 73mmHg

They said: Your diastolic blood pressure is well within the normal range, but your systolic is slightly elevated. High systolic BP gives an indication of short-term stresses such as those you described (sleepless nights due to new baby, pressure at work, lack of rest) - as this is likely temporary, there is no need for concern, but we advise you to have this checked by a doctor before taking any vigorous exercise.

Translation: Well, fatboy, considering how tense you are lately, we expected this to be far worse. Take it easy or you'll be dead before you reach 40.

Resting Heart Rate

Resting Heart Rate: 76bpm

Your heart rate is: Average (70-84bpm)

They said: People who are fit tend to have a lower resting heart rate. Many endurance athletes have heart rates below 50bpm. By contrast an unfit person's heart rate may be well above 80bpm.

Translation: Be careful, you lardy shitbucket. Your average heart rate is only 4bpm away from what we call dangerous.


Grip Strength: 51.8kgf

Rating: Good

They said: Extra muscle power is often needed for lifting, carrying, pulling and pushing, both to take the strain to help avoid injury. Grip Strength is acknowledged to be the best single indicator of overall body strength. You scored well in the Strength Test. Well done.

Translation: Sheeeit, you stronger than a muthafucka! Let me lick your biceps.

Lung Function

Peak Flow Rate: 660 l/min
Rating: Normal

They said: The normal range for your age, sex and height is 545 to 665 l/min.

Translation: You have normal lung function. How boring.

Total Cholesterol

Measured: 4.07 mmol/l
Rating: Desirable (<5)

They said: Your cholesterol levels are well within normal limits. Increased risk of coronary heart disease is strongly associated with a rise in total blood cholesterol.

Translation: We're really fucking surprised this was so low, considering your fondness for deep-fried everything.

I must say, overall, I'm fairly happy. There's the whole fat bastard thing, but I knew that, and I can control that when I feel I need to. Now I just need to work myself up to going back to the gym. Before Jack was born, I was doing great, but now the whole routine's been wrecked again.

See how I was able to blame my infant son for my own lack of willpower? I'm good, I am.