I've had it with my manager. I use the term manager loosely, because to be honest he couldn't manage to order a cup of coffee without asking for someone's advice. So, I've ranted. But here's the kicker: I like him. I like Eeyore a lot. And that's what's stopped me from complaining so far. I think my head's gonna explode soon if I don't do something about this situation.
What kind of coffee should I get? Will I put milk in it?
If our relationship was purely a work-based one, it would be fine - I'd have complained about him and cited all the things that piss me off about him to one of the top boys, and they'd have beat the bastard shit out of him. (Discipline is of the old school variety in my company.)
Well, they would've had a word, at least. Things are never simple though, are they? Follow me, children, as I journey into the recent past....
A year ago, Eeyore and I were in different teams, at roughly equivalent levels in the company, with him being slightly senior due to the way management was laid out. Now, bear with me, because I know that straight away you're thinking "This is just a jealousy thing because he's now Kav's manager". I swear to you, that is not the issue. Well, sort of. You'll find out what the fuck I'm pissed off about in a couple of minutes.
Anyway, at this time, I had only been in the company for three months. As the new boy, I was flattered and chuffed that Eeyore asked my opinions on so many topics, even those that (I presumed) he was vastly more knowledgeable about.
We became friends - I enjoyed his humorous, highly cynical outlook on life, and he liked me because I talk loads of complete bullshit. I even became a bit of a handyman for him at his apartment, putting up coving, moving some sockets, and the like. We got on very well, had a great laugh, and therefore had a great relationship at work. The only aspect of his personality that bothered me was that he seemed incredibly indecisive, and sought advice from you on even the most basic issues.
For example: Joe Bloggs sends Eeyore an email saying that they need him to get Job X done by this evening. Eeyore starts freaking out, saying "Oh fuck, what am I going to do? I'm doing Job Y all day, and it has priority over Job X!" So I'm like "How about picking up the fucking phone and telling them that? What fucking use is it sitting there moaning about it?".
But rather than do that, he'll sit there for an hour worrying about it, therefore being completely unproductive, and pissing everyone else off with his huffing and puffing while he tries to figure out what to do. After half a day, and having consulted with some senior managers (who are wondering why the fuck he's bothering them with such insignificant shit), he responds to Joe Bloggs and says he won't be able to do it until tomorrow. Of course, Joe gets pissed off that Eeyore has taken so long to get back to him, and he says "Could you not have told me any sooner? This is now going to significantly delay the project, whereas if you had responded immediately, I could've had time to allocate another resource to get the work done."
Our working environment is very fast-moving, so indecision like this affects everybody.
OK, digression over.
In November last year, after a major change in the company's direction, the department was reorganised, and one of the top boys requested that our team report directly to him. This was obviously quite an honour - he wanted us as a direct report because our newly-established team had been performing so well, and he thought hmmm, I'll have some of that glory. We knew we had made a name for ourselves as being reliable and good at our work, so it was nice to have a positive affirmation of this, even if it meant little in terms of our day-to-day duties.
What this meant was that Eeyore and I were now on level footing in terms of status. (If you know the corporate world, you'll know how irritatingly hierarchical it is.) However, the work we did in no way overlapped, so we both plodded along happily for a few months.
Then, in March this year, my manager handed in her notice. Eeyore and myself (and one other guy in my team, but he was never a contender) went for the job. Eeyore got it, in spite of the fact that:
(a) he knows the bare minimum about the workings of what we do (which raised warning bells with me that I would have to carry him on alot of stuff, but more of that later)
(b) he is, literally, the most indecisive person I know. How they chose to cast him in a manager's role is beyond me.
(c) I am far more efficient, productive, and knowledgeable about what I do, than he is. This may sound arrogant, but fuck it, it's the truth. I hate slippage, and work fucking hard to ensure everything I deliver is on time.
The reason for Eeyore getting the role over me was, apparently, because he has previous management experience. Aside from the obvious issue of "Well, if nobody fucking gives me a chance, I'll NEVER get any management experience", I was extremely irritated by the fact that these guys who interviewed us are our managers - they know what he's like! They know how pedantic, indecisive, short-tempered, and stress-prone he is, and they still gave it to him.
It's all politics. You know how offices are. I'm pretty sure (though of course, this sounds arrogant, and besides, I can never prove it) that on paper, I was a better candidate, but the guys had to decide: Do we give it to Kav, who's new, and young, and is making a good impression, or do we give it to Eeyore, who's been here a while, puts in alot of effort (without necessarily achieving much), and is a little older? Basically, I think they weighed up which of the two of us would be more likely to leave if we ended up having to report to the other, and they decided that because I'm newer, I'd be more likely to be accepting of Eeyore as my manager than vice versa.
They were right. Me, I don't bear grudges, water under the bridge, yadda yadda yadda. I was genuinely ok with the fact that they gave him the job - in all fairness, he has been working there for longer than me, and he does have some skills, otherwise he would've been let go a long time ago. It's just that the skills he has, IMHO, are not those a manager needs.
It wasn't long before cracks started appearing in the team. Our annual plan went to shit, timelines for all the carefully scheduled work prepared by me at the beginning of the year started to slip. The sighing increased. I started getting dumped with loads of shit because he didn't have time. What he meant was, I can't prioritise to save my fucking life, and I panic if I have more than three things to do.
It's pathetic, but I was so pissed off, I started keeping a log of the things he did that got to me.
Things that no employee should do, let alone a fucking manager who is supposed to influence and motivate his staff.
Here's an extract. I am not fucking joking, most of these things happen on a daily basis:
Client: Have you got our business card?
Eeyore: No, but give me one, they're brilliant for picking your teeth.
He also brings sexual innuendo into almost every conversation. It sometimes makes me laugh, but it creeps out almost all the women I work with.
So, I've ranted. But here's the kicker: I like him. I like Eeyore a lot. And that's what's stopped me from complaining so far.
I think my head's gonna explode soon if I don't do something about this situation.