Saturday, July 01, 2006

The Horn analogy

I'm always horny for Linzi. It drives her mental. You'd think most women would be delighted if their husbands found them sexy all the time, but no. I can't help it though. I always have to feel her arse if she walks past. While I'm grabbing her arse, I grind my teeth and do this kind of spastic face that is a visual representation of how incredibly horny she makes me feel. I know, it's not an approach recommended in 50 Ways to Drive Your Lover's just something I do. I can turn on the good stuff if I need to, but my general, day-to-day, know-I-haven't-a-hope-of-a-shag-but-I'll-let-you-know-I'm-horny-anyway approach is to do the face-spasm-arse-squeeze thing.

It really amazes Linzi that I can constantly find her attractive, so I tried to put it into perspective for her today.

I said: Tell me something you love, I mean really love. And she says: Fizzy drinks.

(It's actually true, she does love fizzy drinks. If Linzi was wandering through the desert, parched with thirst, she'd be more likely to be saying "Coke! Coooooooke!" than "Water". In Linzi's world, water is for having baths in, and should only be drunk if it's mixed with a suitable solvent.)

So, when she said she loved fizzy drinks, it didn't surprise me. Fair enough, I thought, then let me put it into perspective what my being around you is like.

So fizzy drinks are your favourite thing ever, I say. Ok, imagine that everywhere I go, I've got an everlasting bottle of ice-cold Coca-Cola. Now imagine that you are absolutely parched with thirst all the time. How much would you want my Coke?

Go on, I say...picture the beads of condensation mingling and forming droplets, running down the length of this cool, tasty beverage's bottle, while you stare longingly at it, your mouth feeling like it's made from sandpaper, knowing I have the power to quench your thirst just by offering you my drink.

This, I explain, is what she does to me every single day. This is how sexy I find her. Just to make it perfectly clear what I'm getting at, I clarify with Linzi that in my analogy

  • her thirst = my horniness for her, and
  • my ice-cold bottle of Coke = her sexy body, and
  • me quenching her thirst by offering her my drink = her having various kinds of sex with me.
I think she probably understood the analogy before I spelt it out word for word, but I figured, better safe than sorry.

I don't know if my stunning use of metaphor is enough to convince her to have sex with me whenever I want it, but I live in hope.


Jennie C. blathered this crap:

Hi. You commented on my sister's blog, so I stopped by to see who you are.

You know, my husband feels this way about me, too, and I don't understand it because I don't feel sexy. Still, it's flattering and I do my best to accommodate!

Gaijin Girl blathered this crap:

kav, that's one of the sweetest things i've ever read. linzi is a lucky gal.